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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Three Little Pigs, or How to Invest Wisely

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. No, not those pigs. Come on. Stay with me here. Must you always jump to conclusions?

Okay. As I was saying, there were three little pigs. One day Papa Pig says to the three, "I'm getting old and can no longer work the farm. I need to give you each your inheritance so you can invest it and provide from me into my old age."

And so he did. To pig number one, Sam, Papa Pig gave him $500,000 dollars. To pig number two, Jake, he gave $300,000. To Bubba, pig number three, he gave $100,000.

Sam decided he would invest his money in stocks. Surely the profits he would get would more than pay for his Papa's retirement. So he bought $500,000 of stocks in real estate notes.

Jake thought it better to invest in something more solid. He decided to buy property. Then not only would his Papa gain an investment, but a nice place to live that was paid for.

Bubba thought for a while and then decided both of them were wrong. He hit the streets and found the lame and beggars. He gave them $1000 with the words, "This is from Papa Pig to help you."

As luck would have it, a big, bad wolf...what? No, no, no! Not that big, bad wolf. This is altogether different. Trust me.

Now, there came a big, bad wolf market to Sam's investments...oh, I see I got the animal wrong, didn't I. My bad. There came a big, bad bear market. It knocked on Sam's computer market tracking software and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me in. Trade off your stocks or I'll growl and I'll snarl and I'll eat them up!"

Yeah, yeah, I know. Not the same punch, but like I said, this ain't your mama's three little pig story. Now where were we?

Sam said, "Not by of one little mouse." So the bear growled and he snarled and he ate the stocks up!

Sam ran to Jake's house, and lamented his losses. He cried, "I've lost all $500,000 of my Papa's money. It is left to you to provide for him. We know Bubba doesn't have any business sense. He gave all his away."

Jake patted a wall of his mansion. "Papa will do just fine. I knew those stocks you bought were risky."

But then the big, bad, wolf...I know I got it wrong last time. I'm on track now. Let me finish. The big, bad, wolf in sheep's clothing, otherwise known as a politician, knocked on Jake's door. He said, "Little pig, little pig, let me in. Or I'll write a 5000 page bill and add it as an amendment to the "Keep our Kids Safe from Drugs and Bullies" bill (otherwise known as KKSDB), and I'll confiscate all your land."

Jake shook his head. "Not by the vote of the next election."

So the big, bad wolf in sheep's clothing stayed up into the night writing a huge bill, introduced it to Congress, added it to the "Keep our Kids Safe from Drugs and Bullies" bill, and it passed by a vote of one.

Jake then heard another knock at his door. "Who's there?"

"We're from the EPA, and your land is the only habitat for the endangered albino wolf. We'll have to take your land and kick you out."

So Sam and Jake ran to Bubba's humble abode. They both decried their poor fortune at losing their inheritance, and Sam pointed out, "And you have nothing to show as well. Our Papa will live in poverty for the rest of his life."

Bubba shook his head. "Yusa jist don't git it, do ya?" A knock at the door interrupted him. "Who's banging?"

It just so happened to be the big bad wolf in sheep's clothing again. "Little pig, little pig, let me in. Or I'll...I'll..." The wolf in sheep's clothing grumbled. "What did you invest your money in?"

Bubba snickered. "I gone and put it in peoples."

"Peoples? I mean, people?"

"Yes. I giv it away to folks who need it."

The WISC snarked. "That's government's job. You can't give it away."

"Too late. Already gone and done it."

The WISC remained silent for five seconds, and then said, "I'll need to expand the gift tax. Yes, it needs attention." Then he left.

Jake threw up his hands. "We got rid of the wolf, but not before he drained all of our Papa's retirement away."

Bubba shook his head. "When a person gives, it comes back ten-fold and stores treasure in heaven."

Sam slapped his forehead. "What good will that treasure do him now, unless you plan on speeding up his death from starvation?"

Bubba opened his door. "Fowler me." The two shrugged and followed. Bubba led them to their Papa's house.

Some men worked on house repairs. One family carried a crock-pot full of slop to the door.

Bubba pointed at the house. "Looks like he'sa gitten cared for right nicely, if you'sa to ask me."

Sam and Jake stared wide-eyed. Sam said, "Friends in this life."

Jake nodded. "And a treasure in the next."

Bubba smiled. "And no wolf cana take that away, no how."

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